Whispers of the Past
by Lutharo
Summary: Oneshot.  Failure was never an option, he must always succeed and keep going.  If he didn't who would.  Warning! Massive amounts of spoiler!


Disclaimer: I own no part of the Fullmetal alchemist universe

Warning! Massive amounts of Spoiler - only read if familiar with manga and both anime series

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Taking a deep steadying breath, Ed smothered the vague feeling of unease roiling in his gut. It was a simple test really, he didn't need to do anything special, just sit on a chair. So why was he so worried? Because if he failed the test then it would mean that he failed to become a state alchemist, failed on the first step to getting his brother's body back. It would mean he was a failure.

Clenching his jaw Ed hardened his resolve. He would master this, like everything else he'd done. Willing his hand not to shake, he reached forward and took grasp of the golden three-legged chair. Testing his faith, he sat down, placing his safety and his future in the hands of an overly precarious inanimate object.

The chair held, he had passed another stage of the test. 'Well done Mr Elric,' congratulated a hidden voice, somehow managing to weave a threatening undertone into an otherwise friendly tenor.

The world seemed to shift. The shadows in the corners of the chamber began to lengthen, stretching across the entire room, enveloping it in a deep menacing darkness. Slowly, the darkness approached him; swallowing the room it closed in around him. Frightened, Ed clenched his eyes shut in utter panic, his hands clinging to edge of his seat.

But the nothing happened.

Hesitantly Ed slowly peaked out beneath his eye lashes, fearing the approaching darkness. But he saw nothing; because there was nothing. Infinity stretched out in front of him. A never-ending expanse of purest white. Serene and unconfined, yet anxiety inducing and claustrophobic.

Turning around he saw a door. His door. The door to all knowledge, the door that enabled his alchemy. Before it sat a shadowy form. The embodiment of certainty and uncertainty, of balance and imbalance. The one that was all.

'Are you sure about this?' it asked, its mouth appearing from the folds of shadows, a Cheshire smile to mock his decision. 'If you do it, you'll never be able to use alchemy again.'

He knew this was important, he knew he had to make the right choice; that he couldn't back out, couldn't fail. If he failed he'd lose Al forever.

'Yes I'm sure.' He replied, a part of him proud of the fact that he managed to say it without a quaver in his voice. 'I don't care of the price, I'm willing to make the sacrifice.'

'That is correct, well done.'

His world collapsed in a red haze of agony as he felt his gate be ripped from him.

The world shifted again, now he was standing in a pool of blood. The eerie reflection of the torch light, filling his vision with soft red glow.

In his hand he held a philosopher's stone, the souls of humans condensed down into corporeal form. Before him stood Envy and Ling, they were relying on him. He couldn't fail them, if he didn't they'd never be free.

But he didn't know if he could do it, if he could use the stone and destroy the last remnant of life from the people comprising the stone in his hand. But he had to, and so he did.

Clapping his hands together, he called on the power in the stone, channelling it downwards using it to bend reality itself. A giant eye opened in the ground before him. Staring up at him, it awaited his entrance. He'd succeeded.

'Well done Fullmetal pipsqueak,' rumbled a snide voice from somewhere in the beast he knew as envy.

In turn they each walked up to the eye, passing through the gateway, into uncertainty. Ed went last, stepping forward he embraced death and nothingness once more.

Suddenly he was watching Winry point a gun at scar. He couldn't let that happen. He jumped in front of her and prevented her from staining her healer's hands.

He was on a beach on a deserted island with Al, telling their teacher that they were the all and the one. Succeeding in getting her tutelage.

He was successfully delivering a baby on his birthday.

He was ridding Selim of Pride.

He stood to Olivia Armstrong as she challenged their identity.

He was pulling a piece of scrap metal from his gut and healing the wound.

He was wearing down Father in combat.

He was taking his first steps with an automail leg.

Everything he turned his hand to he succeeded in. Every new event, time and place, he met the challenges, saved lives and brought happiness.

He contemplated this as he floated between transitions, a rare moment of lucidity. Pondering his success, taking joy in his accomplishments and history.

But then the scene changed again.

The room was dark, a cloying embrace clinging to and hiding everything. Confused, Ed took a hesitant step forward. The moment his foot touched the ground a ceiling light flicked on in front of him. A triangle of light illuminated part of the room, not strong enough to pierce all the darkness but enough to reveal what sat before him. As his eyes met those of the beast in front of him, it opened its mouth, forcing out words that its jaw was never meant to form.

'Will you play with me? Edward?'

_NO! Why her, why now, _thought Ed desperately, horrified at the form in front of him.

'Edward?' It begged, it's voice dripping with loneliness and pain, imploring him to take pity on her.

The very sound of her voice was enough to send shivers down his spine and make the hair on the back of his neck stand on end.

'No, no Nina, I can't,' he forced out, his voice quavering as he felt the gentle caress of tears running down his face.

She didn't seem to hear him though, or perhaps no longer cared about his answer.

'Why does it hurt Edward?'

'Bear with it Nina, I'll fix you,' he swore, a part of him knowing the lie as he said it. But she didn't seem to care.

'Why won't I die Edward?' she asked, her dark brown eyes wide with sincerity, her breathing laboured in agony.

'I-,' struggled Edward breaking down. The little girls pain wrenching at his heart; his anguish and tears preventing him from being able to think of a way to comfort the girl. 'I don't know Nina. I don't know'

'Why Edward? Why did you fail me?' accused the chimaera, sending a spear of grief through Ed's heart. Finding the source of all his uncertainties and insecurities, amplifying them a thousandfold.

He suddenly sat up straight in his bed, tears streaming down his face even as a scream died in his lungs. _It was a dream, _he realised, _just a dream. _ It was a small comfort though; he knew it was right. Even if the dream wasn't real he knew his failure was real.

Closing his eyes he let the tears continue to flow uninhibited. Deep in his heart, he knew that, despite his successes, it would be that one failure that would shape his life. That one little girl that he couldn't save, would plague him for the rest of his life. He would never, and in his mind should never, be free of his guilt or his pain. His eternal sorrow at how he'd failed Nina.

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